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  CONTENTS

  * * *

  Epigraph

  County

  A Human Number

  Sunshine

  Daytime Drama

  The Boy Who Dreamed Too Much

  573543

  In the Dayroom with Stinky

  Swans

  The World Out There

  Six Pictures of a Fire at Night

  Depakote Mo

  Brother Goose

  Engulfed

  Leche Quemada

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  To my people in Portland—Kim, Henry, Elijah, and Lily Rose

  Cold blood

  flowing through the veins of

  me and all my friends.

  Still love

  can be pumped out of our hearts.

  This start might be the end.

  —The Dears

  COUNTY

  * * *

  Italian Tom was a saucier until a Cadillac doing sixty hit him and knocked the recipes out of his head. He had a faint line like an old smooth weld across the length of his forehead and the dark dots of suture scars. He wasn’t five minutes in our cell before he knocked on the scar with his knuckles, making a dull metallic sound like he’d flicked an open can of soda with his finger. “Go ahead, try it,” he said, taking a step closer.

  “I heard it. I believe you,” I said from my mat on the floor. Tom looked around our cell for another taker, but Domino and Ricky Brown were both sleeping.

  Normally I’m not a very good conversationalist, but the past two months in jail had made clear to me I had nothing better to do. So if someone talked to me, I had resolved to take him up on it. At least until he got boring, or until the lies became too much, or until The Price Is Right came on. Since it was only 10:00 a.m. I said, “How long ago did it happen?”

  “About fifteen years.” Tom sat in quiet reflection on the bench of our steel picnic table. “And the funny thing is, I was only visiting Cadillac for the day. My sister had begged me to come up there and meet her newest husband.”

  The television hadn’t been turned on yet and Tom looked up through the bars to the cold, black screen we shared with the neighboring cell. I looked forward to seeing Bob Barker up there, and hearing Rod Roddy calling people to come on down. For an hour a day I could live in a world full of lights and color, noise and smiling women gracefully highlighting things with the near-touch of their hands. And hope. The hope for a good outcome kept me transfixed.

  “Hold on,” I said. “You were hit by a Cadillac in Cadillac?”

  “Ain’t that some shit?” Tom said. He turned away from the television and I could see his other scars then, some self-made, like the ones cut vertically through his eyebrows and the tiny notches in the rim of his right ear. “I was crossing the street to get a pint of gin and a pack of squares, then bam! Doing sixty in a twenty-five. Knocked me eighty feet and out of one of my sneakers.”

  “Now that’s something I’ve never understood,” I said. “I don’t get how someone could be knocked out of their shoes. And your case is even more bizarre because you were only knocked out of one shoe.”

  “There were witnesses,” Tom said. “That’s how the cop figured out the speed the guy was going.”

  “What law of physics governs whether a person’s shoe comes off?”

  And what are the chances a person gets hit by a Cadillac in a town called Cadillac? I wondered. Did it mean that everything meant something? Even if that something is a lie? And who’s in charge of the meaning? The liar? The lied to? And what the fuck could all of this possibly mean?

  Ricky Brown woke up. He had been playing possum. Faking sleep becomes an art form in jail, especially when someone new comes in, and especially when he’s asking you to knock on his skull.

  “I’ll tell you what it means,” Ricky said from his bunk. He always had the uncanny ability to answer the questions that were floating around in my brain, as if we were both listening to the same party line but he had a better connection. “It means don’t pay a lot of fucking money for tennis shoes. And it means life is a big, shiny machine made by General Motors, and it’s a tale told by an idiot, signifying shit.”

  Ricky read a lot—Faulkner and Shakespeare mostly—so he thought he knew some things. He was a skinny, red-haired, old-school man with a tattoo of a court jester on his left arm and a green, faded wizard on his right. He had the giveaway constellation of a crack addict’s scars on the insides of his wrists, the exact shape of a hot glass pipe hidden up inside his sleeves. Even without seeing his shins, I knew there would be scars there too, from the same pipe hidden in his socks.

  “Yeah, yeah,” Tom said. “Tale told by an idiot. Signifying shit. That’s deep, man. I like that.”

  * * *

  Kalamazoo is the Native American word for “boiling water.” Rumor had it the county jail was built on an ancient hot spring filled in with loamy soil, and the whole building was slowly sinking as a result. After thirty-four years, the thought of Indian soil reclaiming the jail was nothing but a fairy tale, but that didn’t stop anyone from talking about it after the television was turned off. The fantasy beat the reality. I would occasionally wake from dreams in which a ghostly chief, screaming in vengeance for his land, would split the building in half and we would all jump out and flee, racing on wild, galloping horses away from the jail as it was sucked down into the earth.

  We were in A North wing, where the lights never went out. A North was suicide watch and though very few of us had actually tried to kill ourselves, we were all somehow a concern to the powers that be. I had never been to jail, and I was going to be locked up for a long time, so the county kept the high-watt rays of worried lights on me at all hours.

  Along with the lights were the guards who walked past every seven minutes, like the steady sweep of a lighthouse beam. They would walk up to the bars, look in, and minus any scene of horror, they’d walk away without a word. Sometimes I’d ask about the weather, and sometimes they would answer, and it felt good to know that the outside was still there. But mostly the only way to get a guard’s attention was to die, or press the panic button marked EMERGENCY ONLY in red, stenciled paint above the phone.

  A North had eight cells—half held four inmates and the other half held six. But the jail was always overcrowded, so there was usually an extra man or two in each. I had been the fifth man in Cell 7, so I’d taken a mat on the floor in the dark corner by the door. Cellmates came and went, and I could have rightfully taken one of the bunks on the west wall, but as the methadone ran out I found comfort in the dimness of my corner. I lay there and sweat and shook, and tried not to think too much, and memorized the Twenty-third Psalm and recited it minute by minute, hour by hour.

  I had Bob Barker every weekday morning, though. There were the games, the new cars, the spinning wheel, the showcases. Sometimes tears would fill my eyes when a lucky member of the audience would high-five their way through the crowd to stand on the contestant’s row. They were so genuinely happy to be given a chance, and as they looked at Bob brightly lit onstage, it must have seemed like a better life was right there for the taking. Their hearts’ desires were a possibility—and not in some distant future, but right then, or at least for the
next hour. But Bob Barker and a screaming studio audience can only go so far as company, so by the time Italian Tom walked into A North 7, I guess I was ready.

  Tom had moved on from talking about the hit-and-run to acting it out, standing up in the cell and moving in slow motion, like a marionette with joints held together by pins. He explained that, in fact, most of his bones and joints were metal, and he was only able to move freely after he’d been up and moving for a few hours, longer if the temperature was cold. “I’m still a little stiff,” he said as he took off his shirt. It was January and only ten-thirty.

  Tom’s torso was half green with tattoos. After just a couple of months in jail, I’d learned to recognize tattoos inked in prison—they’re green or gray and lack the sharp lines of a professional needle. Prison artists use whatever they have, usually a sharpened guitar string rigged to the motor of a cassette player. The ink is made of soot mixed with spit, sometimes urine, and the art, while brilliant and precise in concept, is dull and faded on the flesh. Tattooing in prison is like trying to sew fine stitches with a knitting needle. It’s the essence of prison ingenuity—that so much can be done with so little.

  Tom’s chest looked like a page from an artist’s sketchpad—a couple old cars, a lion, Mickey Mouse, cell bars with tears spilling out, a green blob of something that may have been the Earth, or a ship, or a basketball, or the moon, and the full-body portrait of a woman Tom would later call Karen.

  Karen was not a prison tattoo. She began over his heart and was clean and sharp with full, red lips. Her right eye closed in a wink, but the left iris was light green under long lashes. Her hair seemed blown by a wind up over Tom’s left shoulder and neck, ending in wispy strands on his collarbone. She was nude, of course, with large breasts and wide hips straddling his sternum. Tom had a hairy Italian chest but had kept it shaved smooth and clean, everywhere except for Karen’s pubic area, with its immaculately trimmed little triangle of hair.

  The Price Is Right came and went but I could barely pay attention. I was watching the tattoo of Karen and wanting to touch her Italian olive skin. It felt awkward to stare at the chest of a man and fantasize about warmth and contact, but her light green eye and long, swirling hair seemed to speak to me, to have come down through the years since it was inked to grant me a moment’s peace and connection to the human race.

  The cell door opened and we were back up to six men. In walked a middle-aged, light-skinned black man with a misshapen afro and a patchy beard. Even in a fresh orange Kalamazoo County Jail jumpsuit he reeked of alcohol. “Ain’t right. It ain’t right,” he said. “Mind my own business, cops come in and Taser my ass. That ain’t right.” He unbuttoned his jumpsuit halfway and rubbed at the two swollen marks from the Taser prongs, like a fresh snakebite. “And I’m hungry too, goddammit. That ain’t right.”

  He was loud enough to wake Domino. The man paced the length of the cell, carrying on about the Taser sting until he saw Tom and his scar. “Damn, man!” he said. “What happened to you? You get shot or something?”

  “I got hit by a Caddy doing sixty.”

  “You look like Frankenstein, man. You should be dead.”

  “I did die—twice,” said Tom, “but they shocked me back to life.” He knocked again on the metal plates in his forehead. “This is all steel.”

  “Then you is Frankenstein!” the man said, and went back to pacing and complaining about his hunger and police brutality.

  Tom’s face and shoulders sank, like whoever had been pulling his strings had just dropped them. He looked at the drunk for a second, then looked down, and it was amazing to see a man so big hurt by something so small. But in here you can’t just shoot down a man and his story, lie or not. What’s more, he’d called Tom a monster, and even Frankenstein has feelings.

  “You know,” Tom said, “if you’re hungry you can get something to eat.”

  “Yeah, how?”

  “Go push that button up there on the wall and order a pizza.”

  The man walked over to the corner of the cell. “It says ‘Emergency Only.’ ”

  “If hunger’s not an emergency, man, I don’t know what is.”

  “Yeah, okay!” said the drunk. “What you guys want on it? I’ll share.” He put his finger on the button. “Man, they don’t do shit like this in the Kent County.”

  A woman’s voice came over the intercom: “What’s the problem?”

  “I’m hungry,” the drunk said. “I want to order a pizza.”

  “Hold on,” she said.

  He looked back at us, giddy, like a would-be big shot handing out money not his own. “So you guys like pepperoni?”

  All of us nodded in our own slight ways. Then the lock of the heavy steel door slid open and five guards stepped straight for him.

  “Okay, smart-ass, we’ll get you your pizza,” said a bald guard with a mustache. The drunk was handcuffed and dragged out of the cell before he even had time to grasp what was happening. He looked puzzled as he left, as if he was still expecting them to ask what toppings he wanted.

  * * *

  Afternoons, during soap operas, we would mute the TV and read, write letters, do whatever it took to pass the four hours until dinner.

  Tom made his bed, then sat at the picnic table to draw. I lay on my mat in the corner and watched the silent soap opera figures on the television screen. There was a ransom plot going on that week—a gorgeous blonde tied to a chair in a storage facility. Without ever hearing the words the characters spoke, I’d noticed a dark trend toward kidnapping that month on daytime drama.

  At the table, Tom hummed, tapped his pen, and drew. I got up and sat across from him. The edges of the page he worked on were adorned with roses, thorny stems, and leaves, and the middle looked to have a poem or song printed on it.

  “Thought I’d see what you were working on,” I said.

  “It’s my hustle back in the joint.” His was a common one for artistic types who get locked up—selling drawings and poems for others to send home.

  “But here’s the deal, right?” said Tom. “Here’s my new angle—gay, erotic rap songs. Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t gay or nothing, but I can’t wait to get back to prison. I’m gonna clean up. It’s an untapped market.”

  “So who’s the lady?” I asked, nodding to the tattoo on his chest.

  “Karen,” he said. “Karen Sharon. She was my girl a long time ago, back before Cadillac. I used to have a lot of girls before that shit.”

  Tom looked down at his page and nodded his head to the beat of his tapping pen. He continued drawing and I stared at the little details that made up Karen Sharon: her red lips, the long, clean neck, the slight rib lines below her breasts, then the wide, soft hips. There was that small patch of pubic hair, her knees, calves, and finally her thin ankles and dainty feet. The long hair that wrapped around Tom’s neck seemed curlier up close, less like a flowing river. Again, I felt the urge to reach across the table and touch her. She seemed so alive, like if I jabbed my finger at her open eye, she might reflexively close it.

  She must have been a shallow woman to leave him after the accident. Then again, he probably wasn’t a model boyfriend either. I could have been projecting, though. Like all of us who’d wasted our time out there, he’d no doubt taken his life and relationships for granted. Now he was a man who couldn’t wait to get back to prison and make a killing in the gay rap market.

  The soap opera—I think it was the one with the big hourglass—was ending. The kidnapped lady in the storage facility was about to die from a fire deliberately set by some contraption involving gasoline, dirty rags, and an alarm clock. The scene faded from a close-up of the ticking clock to a handsome couple toasting each other with champagne in a hotel bar. Then the credits rolled, and the sand slid through the hourglass again.

  * * *

  The next day I woke to Tom tapping his pen in some rhythm, occasionally looking up at the TV as if searching for rhymes for his gay rap. Volunteers from a nearby church brought by
the squeaky book cart. Ricky picked an ancient-looking paperback and began reading it on his bunk. Domino woke up for a minute only to try to call someone on the phone.

  I spent the morning waiting for the soap opera to come back on. And of course, the kidnapped lady left for certain death did not die. I knew she wouldn’t, so few of them ever do. It was the means of her escape I was waiting for. And at the last minute, she cut away the ropes with the prongs of her wedding ring, then ran out of the storage facility just seconds before the place was engulfed in flame. The beautiful couple in the hotel bar was arrested; the victim led the cops right to them and she smiled as they were cuffed. Through it all, she had only a dark smudge of soot on her cheek.

  On the whole, it was a good day on TV. Earlier, a blue-haired old lady won thirty grand playing Plinko on The Price Is Right, then went on to win both showcases. At four o’clock, Oprah came on. Domino slept, but Tom, Ricky, and I watched Tracey Gold, former television star, recount her harrowing drunk-driving accident and arrest. “I didn’t even know I was drunk,” she said.

  “Me neither,” said Ricky. “Let me out.”

  In a later segment Oprah showed her audience that the one glass of wine they might have while playing cards at a friend’s house was actually equivalent to three shots of whiskey—because the glass of wine was filled to the top. “So watch out,” Oprah warned.

  “Shit,” said Ricky. “Drunk-ass Tracey Gold damn near kills her kids in that wreck, and all I did was smoke a rock. I should be on Oprah, not in fucking jail.”

  “Ain’t that some shit?” Tom said. We all nodded in agreement. It was some shit all right, though I’m sure we all had different ideas about what exactly that shit was.

  The food in jail was usually good, and that night we enjoyed the best Kalamazoo County had to offer: chunks of dark-meat turkey stir-fried with vegetables in a soy sauce gravy. I watched Tom stir the tip of his spoon in the sauce, like he was mixing oil paint for a portrait. First he sniffed it, then he dabbed some on his tongue. “This cook really knows what she’s doing,” Tom said. “Just enough garlic and allspice.”